Relationships

A LETTER TO THE UNMARRIED

14th April, 2018

Sartuday! I think on each day showers come in and get me offguard i get it easy to write, this letter though is emotionally generated😄 

So showers in town after beautiful meeting with important people on different points of the day and the rain just decides to come down to symbolise how blessed my day had been. Navigating through rain has always been a tough journey especially for some people like us who wake up on a fair-weather day and they decide, oh its my day to Shine!-Light clothes, no umbrella and thank God for the pressure from friends to be on heels did not work on me today.

Anyway end of story, i was rained on. Get to my house and ran the taps, oops! There is no water😨! For some of us who love washing, it’s quite a  disappointment to find taps without flow. No water in my house but so much water, with all the pressure is flowing outside, with full knowledge of Nairobi housing there is no way i can collect it. For me that is negative pressure, i really feel stressed when am not able to do laundry. Inside nothing is happening, taps have no water, outside, the pressure is ON! And the pressure am experiencing outside i am not able to transfer it to change the inside. Quite a negative pressure that is, no benefits.

Dear Unmarried us, 

You see sweet us, marriage is good and Holy and the desire to get married is actually Holy. The truth is that this longing is God-planted. “And the Lord God said, it is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.” (Genesis 2:18).Thus, the desire for a husband or wife is not sinful in nature or desperate in tone. It is holy itself.

I have come to appreaciate desperation has two dimensions:positive and negative. As i have thought about the desire to get married, positive desperation will prompt us to get ready for marriage, it will build pressure from within, to grow ourselves, read, seek for mentorship, work on our emotions prayerfully, grow in exposure… Just learn, not that we can learn everything because we keep learning everyday but atleast be in a positive growing line as ofcourse we gain friends and get to understand ourselves better through reading of God’s word. Positive desperation will get you working on the inside!

Now remember my story on the shower, and how desperate i am for water in the inside, i deliberately failed to say i had my clothes soaked for washing. So ofcourse because my inside of the house is not ready, with time if i do not take the necessary measures, the clothes will start stinking!puh!-Negative desperation. It is at that point dear unmarried self that you just want to get married, because your other friends are marrying, because there is pressure from home, age and so-on. You end up concentrating on what is happening on the outside and ignore the inside, you actually do not prepare for marriage but you want to just get in. Negative desperation can lead to destruction. The truth is that you could display signs of desperation to get married without knowing it, because you have let the pressure overwhelm you. When this happens, you begin to stink. Then, at that point, no guy or lady will be interested in premarital relationship with you, because no responsible and wise person wants to marry a stinking fellow. You know how stinking we can get- we start complaining about everything in life, you even start blaming the weather for all your troubles haha, you end up hating friends around you, maybe out of Jealousy, you just cannot celebrate them, you even hate yourself, your work, everything about life you presume is working against you.

It is what happens inside of you that is displayed outwardly for people to see. The displayed content inside, can overshadow physical appearance, beauty or attraction in the eyes of a responsible and wise guy or lady that beholds you. A brand new car with a bad engine cannot take you anywhere, that is what negative desperation does to us, it will drive people away.

Guarding your heart with all diligence:

One of the Key mentors in my life has a way that he reaches out to us to start every conversation. We will first assess how we are doing spiritually as pertains our personal devotions, and we always know the next question: How is your heart?😄, we actually discuss the heart as a person, but as i go on, i have come to appreciate big time what he has taught me, just as the bible says that we should guard our hearts with all diligence because from it flows all the issues of life. Negative desperation is extremely toxic because it messes up the heart and therefore all other issues about life are adversely affected.

When we are negatively desperate for marriage, we think that if we don’t act soon we are going to miss out or not get what we want. The problem is when we feel desperate we compromise. We skip important stages of getting to know people, actually sometimes we skip the stages deliberately because we just need to deal with the pressure from outside. The only thing worse than not having a spouse is having one that isn’t right for us. We begin to compromise the things that we know are important in a relationship, just so we can be in a relationship. That compromise can be the difference between a great relationship and a horrible one.

God knows you have a need for companionship and intimacy for He designed marriage for that very reason. We must trust God to provide that person for you. The only way you can trust someone with something as important as picking your spouse, is you must know that person intimately, so we should make God the most important relationship in our lives. 

God says “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart” Psalm 37:4.

We should be honest to ourselves and do self evaluation to access whether what we are experiencing is positive desperation of negative desperation. In a positive trend, it’s a matter of readiness but if it is negative desperation it will destroy not only other issues and relationships in our lives but also it will lead us into terrible marriages.

As i was reflecting on some portion of scripture this week, i found myself amused at Solomon in proverbs 18:22: for saying that “whatsoever finds a wife, finds a good thing…” He actually did not say whoever finds a woman, because we can be many women who just want to get married but we are not wives, to mean we are not ready but we want to go in. 

So unmarried us, i would rather hear us saying, “I am ready to get married.”-not on parameters of age, size,education or class: rather than “I just want to get married just to feel married.”

May God help us and prepare us right.

Love, 

Mutheu

You may also like

Leave a reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *